• Archive for 2014

    Loves Lasting Depths

    Thursday, August 14, 2014


    Three years ago the two of us sat on the freshly painted front porch. I, silent with thoughts of joy. 

    I was home, sweeping my gaze over the dreams to come. 
    This was the place my heart long waited for in the craze of houses and years spent in Africa and Asia.
      I was utterly content, us together again, our expatriate years behind us and the dreams of a life in Canada stretching long and beautiful into our future.



     He was sitting quite beside me as I slipped my hand into his and rested deep into this man I love, the one who helped make this heart for country life a dream to live and breath, an experience of beauty to live daily. 

    I asked for his thoughts, certain they were the same as mine. 

    He starts slow, in the way that has become familiar as the finger print of our love, 
    him hanging on to an idea until it is formed just perfectly, 
    “our visa’s expire today” slow and steady he pauses shaping the coming question 
    “so your happy, to stay, here, give up our adventures, slip them away like our luggage”? 
    Every word laced with the hint of far off lands, elements and traces of something foreign with curves around every unknown bend. 
    Words weighted with the longing of an adventurer. 

    I knew then this was just a stop, a home between stories. 

    In that moment three years ago, I loved him wider then I ever knew I could.
    Wide enough to carry my fear and the giving of this life, this home built on familiar soil tucked away like a dream among forest and fields, hemmed in by the wild beauty of the rockies. 

    If I could paint my dreams this would be it. 


    I knew the truth of our love then, that the loveliness of this dream is made pure by the people I share it with.

     I clasped my hand a little tighter round the assurance of his.

    When life came anew to us and we were awash in the early days of infancy the waves of change called.
     He asked it slow and sure taking his own patient way to perfectly form his question,

     “would I go with him, fallow him south” 

     Deep into the heart of lone stars, sweet tea, hanging ferns, humidity and y’alls.   

    I wondered then if I was able, to say good-bye, start over, move away from a lifetime of  hoped for memories. I know my desire would be to to grow my roots tight around what is familiar. Raise my babies under the wide blue of Alberta’s sky, watch the seasons of our family change within the walls they were born. Hold on, dig down, stay put. 


    Loves lasting depths lead me on.

     Giving me courage to face the unknowns. 



    I know that in the new stories that are to be etched out of tomorrows memories I will grow, deeper, in love. 


    my life's word will define all the unknown
    binding me with

    Beauty and Blessing. 

    Undemanding Wonder

    Thursday, July 31, 2014


    Summer has slipped in swiftly with its beckoning leisure. 

    How sweet the simplistic joys of this season.

    Summer fruits and lemonades, 

    Bikes and bubbles.

    Wild forest blooms, picked and placed in just the right spaces.  

    Screen doors and smiling boys. 

    This is summer

    The vibrant green is growing deeper. The forest is filled out with leaves now curling with mid-summers heat.

    Days are past in pleasure.

    Each season has the sweeping poetry of heaven, matching the rhythmic needs of our souls, summer's warmth slows our pace, the murmuring of a breeze through the leaves is best observed on a quilt looking with awe at the choreography of the heavens, watching a garden sprout slowly nurturing the miracle of growth, the way the crickets and frogs sing dusk's lullabies soothing us to rest, 

    This is summer 
    A restoration of slow undemanding wonder.


    My Wild

    Thursday, July 17, 2014


    This boy, yep the one with the twinkle, the one who just became a big brother for the second time in the young of his two years.
     This one I knew was special, from the moment he was born in the deep of that mid-winter night.
     I knew he was going to grow me, up and stretch me out, fill me to the fullest. 
    He knows just how to handle the world around him. 
    In his own manner.
    He got my single minded determination and his Father’s focus.
    The lungs of a sailor with the pitch of a toddler. 
    He knows how to climb, higher then his mamas heart can handle. 
    The ability to escape like an artist. 
    Finicky taste-buds
    Crocked feet and bowed legs. 

    He is my wild.

    And I am his calm.

    Science is proving something remarkable happens neurologically during the toddler years, millions of cells die. And the cure for this brain transition is touch.  


    The power of my arms wrapping the uncertainties of his growing world in comfort. 

    This is another gentle revelation of Gods infinite wisdom. 

    That when the young demand the most of every part of us, when discipline, and time-outs, and tears and tantrums escalate and there is no cure but to collapse to the level of your little, in desperation you hope your hug will sooth this moment over. 

    You know, I am learning with this little, my wild one, that tenderness takes me further faster then furry or frustration. Maybe this was Gods way of perfectly matching a child’s needs with a mothers abilities. Us collapsing together, his frustrations melting into mine, when my only tool against the tantrum is holding him through it!  

    I am finding that the surest way back to peace, for him, for me, how to truly help him through the moments of upheaval is to display tenderness. Calming him enough to make eye contact, so he sees confidence, peace and deep love. Lowering my voice to a hush, whispering soothing words over him. Taking a steady hand to hold his, or rub his back, or take him in an embrace.

    Not giving into his whim, not caving and letting him get away with anger and tantrums, but lovingly walking him away from his frustration, leading him back to wholeness, loving him through even these moments of wild! 

    Restoration comes through touch, purposeful  and patient. 


    Savor the Awe

    Friday, June 27, 2014


    It has been a glorious three weeks soaking in the tender moments of infancy. Time seems to be slipping by all to swiftly. The first days of new life are behind us. There has been growth and change. I have held on to every moment,  with an ache of a love that knows this stage is fleeting.
    He has been in arms, wrapped in a sling, deep hours of night are spent with him peacefully beside me his sweet breathing the lullaby of my nights.

    He is perfectly contented with the sway of my movements the rhythmic comfort of my heartbeat, the scent of my skin and the gentle brush of my nurturing kiss. These are the earliest declarations of love, the way to seep love deep into the newborn soul, long before language and the formation of words. This is His place, 
    cradled safely among the comforts of motherhoods gifts. 
    It is perfect. 

    Every once in a while I must lay him down to attend to life around me, and when these rare moments take place I have a delightful little spot in the corner of my kitchen where the sun pours in and the hum of family life is constant. The bassinet was gifted to me by a friend who knew I loved white and wicker and the soothing sound the rocking makes upon the hard wood, it is aged with memories of bygone days. When I lay my little one down I wonder at the mothers who used it during the century before, romantic notion, I know.  

    In a world where infancy is rushed, and romance, the falling into love, is hushed away, silenced by busy. I am grateful that my Heavenly Father has lead me to understand that Holiness breaths life into a heart, a home a family. And when a miracle happens, we are to slow, to savour the awe of it, and tenderly embrace the gift. 

    Before Brennan

    Sunday, June 15, 2014


    The afternoon before Brennan was born Spring was lovely and called our family outdoors, I felt the anticipation of meeting my new baby deeply and thought walking and fresh air would help pass time. It did and just a few hours after the glorious sunshine day spent by the river we met our little darling!  

    I have very few pictures of me being pregnant with Brennan. These were taken just a few hours before I went into labour I am so grateful now we have these family pictures. Though I must say our family is much more handsome with the addition of Brennan, he adds something extraordinary to our family! 


    Brennan Grant Milner

    Saturday, June 7, 2014


    For days I have been searching for just the right words to piece together the opening story of my precious new sons life. Are there even adequate words to match the glorious joy of his life and the abundance of love my heart has been filled with?

    The exquisite loveliness of a newborn never seems to lose its effects on my heart or home. There is a peace that floats about, hushed yet holy, perfected by the generosity of a heavenly Father who kissed our family with life. 

    Brennan Grant Milner  

    Came to us early Sunday June 1st. 

    Last week Saturday our family took a long walk along the river, spring was dazzling with a perfect mix of pollen and green and an afternoon of exploration. The walk was meant to keep me and the littles busy. All my ‘nesting’ had been completed, with little to ‘do’ I became restless with anticipation. Though my due date was not for another week I felt the eagerness that comes in the last days of pregnancy. I had hoped a long walk would start contractions, giving me a gentle lead up to labour. I have a tendency to have very fast deliveries, I hoped that this time around I could have time for the mid-wives to arrive before the birth. Though the afternoon was lovely and it did keep me busy there were no indications of labour, actually it seemed to quiet things down. Through the last term of this pregnancy I had a lot of light contractions and false labour. 
    Seemed to me that last twenty-four hours were quieter than usual. 

    At 1:30 in the morning I woke clutching my night side table and breathing the labour pant! I sat up with another intense contraction which woke Roger who didn’t even hesitate in grabbing the phone and called our mid-wife. The call went something like “she has had two contractions its the real thing” in which the mid-wife responded with “I’m getting dressed!” 
    By then it had been about five minutes I was completely absorbed  with staying in control and managing the intensity of the contractions. With every contraction I would recite Proverbs 11:16 “a women of gentle grace gains respect” I deeply desired to do my part in creating an atmosphere of peace, knowing that if I focus on the strength of God rather then my own, His peace and beauty would prevail even during the intensity of birth. 
     I then wanted to get in the shower as the sharpness of the contractions were mostly in my lower back and warm water often helps relieve some of the pressure. I knew then the mid-wives wouldn't arrive on time for the birth, I think Roger knew it then also. We were about ten minutes into labour, I had about three more contractions and felt a slight urge to push. I tried just breathing through the sensations with hopes I could slow things down yet the urge to push came on so strong my body instinctively bared down through the next two contractions, I got out of the shower, with the next push my waters broke, which was the first time for me to have it rupture spontaneously. 
    With the next contraction came the head and the next his body.
    He gave us a hearty cry and pinked up instantly. 
    It was 2 am. 

    Roger helped me get more comfortable sitting on the bathroom floor, waiting for the mid-wives to arrive and help cut the cord. We spent those fifteen minutes marvelling at our new son and thanking God for his mercy of health and peace during the speed and intensity of the labour. 
    Once I was settled in bed, we woke the older three siblings, and my lovely sister who came to be a mothers helper for a few weeks, their excitement danced in their midnight eyes, what delight it was for us to see the enthusiastic love for a new brother and nephew. 
    God is so very wise to bring souls together as family. 

    Unfortunately after the labour was over I had very painful after-pains. Apparently this is common with multiple labours. It took the whole of the night and next day for them to subside. Though my labour was speedy I did have post contractions for hours after wards. They were so awful I spent the day nauseated and vomiting. Which wore me down and limited my ability to nurse and hold the baby. Roger literally had to sit with me all day to take the baby when the pain got to much and help me as I vomited. 

    As I reflect on the whole experience I am overwhelmed with Roger’s kindness and generous spirit towards me during the whole labour and recovery. While I was labouring he was so steadfast and encouraging, never hinting of concern. After the birth he smiled sweetly and displayed his pride for his new son and praised and thanked me for this gift. Though it must be an incredible experience having to deliver your own baby, needless to mention the fact he’s an engineer and not remotely interested in anything medical. He put his own feelings of fear and awkwardness aside to minister love and assurance to me. 
    As I recovered, nauseated and sick, he patiently sat with me and helped me out. 
    He praised our baby, and during that first day loved and held him as tenderly as I would have if I was strong enough. 
    His gentle care and loving spirit towards me is a gift I will always treasure. It wasn’t the most glamorous of times, yet he handled my heart and needs with such love. It was in this way he stole my heart yet again and displayed such Godly generosity and love towards me. 

     The days that followed have been beautiful, hushed away from the world, delighting in every little discovery of this newborn miracle. He is so familiar yet so unique. I feel as though I have loved him my whole life. 
    For the rest of my life I will be altered and overwhelmed with the beautiful gift of Brennan. 
      I will once again have the privilege of Mothering one of God’s most precious miracles. 
    The awe has not left, and humble love is swelled to the fullest. 
    I am completely overwhelmed with love.